In the early ‘90s my Mom attended a class about how to get along well in your family. I would guess that she was building her resources for the upcoming years with three teenage daughters, Gawd bless her! To this day, her kitchen bulletin board hosts a handout from that class which reads:
These ‘four components’ of NVC are a springboard for communication that creates connection and understanding. Although I don’t recall having full understanding or use of these tools while growing up, the seed was planted - just like a Bija mantra! And as we all know, “From a small seed a mighty trunk may grow.” - Aeschylus
Twenty years later, I now realize that NVC has been in my life all along. I feel it has been patiently waiting for my full attention in order to bestow it’s blessings, one of which is genuine compassion for self and others.
Three years ago as I worked to build a purposeful home-based Virtual Assistant business, I was discouraged by the large amount of time I spent battling generational gaps, language differences, and phone/email correspondence. I struggled to understand what mattered most to my clients, and how I could effectively serve them so that they could do what they did best in the world. I wanted clear, efficient, heartfelt communication with my clients, and certainly with all the other people in my life.
In answer to this longing, a team of two business partners signed on for my Virtual Assistant services. Leo Sofer and Michael Joseph Ferguson continuously demonstrated inspiring communication with each other and myself, having been steeped in NVC. I was so impressed that I simply asked them how I could learn to communicate the way they did, and they began pointing me towards various NVC resources. I am deeply grateful for their example and direction, which continues today.
I slowly began building my literacy of needs and feelings as a foundation for NVC, and still am doing so. Just like yoga asana, meditation, cleaning the house and flossing my teeth, I went through periods of discipline in my NVC study and practice. During those times I would experience the benefits of deep self-care, inner clarity, awareness and a growing sense of confidence.
Like the phases of the moon, my practice would wane with the distractions of life. I would lose track of my center, feel subsumed by the chaos of other’s feelings, and generally beat myself up for not being clear about my feelings and needs. Yet as my study continued, I noticed shorter periods of confusion coupled with reinforcement of how helpful NVC could be in all areas of my life.
After working with NVC internally, I felt ready to explore an external practice with others. I found Kathy Ziola online and started attending her NVC teleclasses. As a result, I have experienced a deepening of both self-connection and my ability to connect with other people - what a gift!
More than anything, I feel a new sense of confidence about how I show up in the world, for myself and in relation to other people. Each day my old fears shrink: I worry less about ‘messing up’, burning a bridge, somehow hurting others and/or myself. I see that although life and emotions are often a sloppy soup, I can trust in my use of NVC to help me create mutually satisfying outcomes and to deepen trust and connection with others.
While my NVC tree is far from having a strong trunk, I am enjoying the exploration. Like a skinny sapling in the whipping wind, I’m staked in place by my favorite resources for further support and growth.
We all have very unique paths to walk in life. Wherever we are, whatever we’re needing, and whether our needs are known or unknown to us, NVC can help. There’s no pre-requisites or pre-determined paths. None of the people in your life even need to know anything about NVC for it to serve you and them. And as I’ve shared here, it could lie dormant for years, be taken up and then abandoned multiple times, and will never die off. Regardless of how long it takes to grow, or what it may look like in full form, it is my hope that an NVC seed has been planted for you.